The KAG laws

The honorable duel law
1*If an enemy asks for a one-on-one you or an ally will grant this request and the whole team gets exterminated as a result of the process.
2*If you ask for a one-on-one it will get accepted but you will die because an enemy disagreed.
2** If no additional foes are present you will automatically lose the duel.

The law of revival at Zombie Mode
1* The more you wish to spawn at the less crowded side of the map the less chance you have.
1**If you are to mysteriously survive the onslaught your team mates will proceed to block all entrances.

The law of height damage.
*If you are falling from a 3 block building while slashing you will take fall damage and get stunned.
*If you are falling from a 18 block building while slashing you will lose 2 hearts and be finished by a random enemy falling on you.

Corollary
If an enemy falls from a 3 block building he will instead proceed to charge.
If an enemy falls from a 18 block building and you jump on him he will either shield up or dodge.

 

The law of lag
=====================================================
1. When you are at a crucial point in the match, about to knock the enemy tower down with one bomb and win the match... lag will strike and your bomb will explode prematurely.

2. You are about to throw the flag to your buds from inside enemy lines, and a lag spike interrupts your throw. You will then be mashed into smithereens by the oncoming enemy.

3. Lag will never work in your advantage, unless you are your enemy. Which you aren't.

 

The law of Maverick bombs.

They always kill 5 people.

The Law of Overlord.

When Overlord is on your team he will casually minecraft for 10 minutes before doing any fighting
When Overlord is on the enemy team he will solo storm an entire fortress with a single bomb, destroying every workshop and killing 10-20 people.

The Law of Ground level doors.

If you build a tower without doors on the ground, a helpful player will make them for you, so that your allies don't have to be in danger of falling. It is much safer this way.

The Law of Lag.

Even if you slash first, you take damage.

 

Gambler's Fallacy
This logical principle held by at least one in ten players that as long as they attempt to bomb-jump as frequently as possible, the likelihood of their success increases with each attempt.

Corollary: This law works in conjunction with theKey Tower Jinx Law, and the attempts of your teammates collapse the vital support of any towers with each attempt.


The Intelligence-Spike Pit Inverse Proportion
The Intelligence ("I") of a teammate is inversely proportional to the size of the spike pit ("S" -5 IQ/block width) they are building well behind your frontline after the build phase; there is also a value,("F"), representing failure, that increases 1.0/spike they place before trap doors to prevent team damage.

This system of calculation is only applicable to an IQ below 100.

I < 100 - (S x F)

Let's take a player, let's call him BatttleSpork, and he has built a spike pit 5 blocks wide and placed 3 spikes prior to any trap door placement; said trap doors would benefit his team greatly.

I < 100 - (25 x 3)
I < 100 - (75)
I < 25

As you can see, anyone who builds a spike pit greater than a few blocks of width well behind their front line is profoundly retarded. These players represent the .1% of the human population that is incapable of living independently.

If a player were to build a pit 10 blocks wide, while placing spikes before team doors, they would have a negative IQ; this represents being completely brain dead, a human on life support, they were likely given a laptop and are in the midst of a seizure during the time they are building.

Corollary: Later when the spike pit could of been useful, it does not endanger a single enemy and is crossed within a few seconds. During the phase when it could not of been useful, it damages every person on your team that needs to cross it.
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The Law of Air Supremacy
-As the quality and quantity of enemy archers increases, so too does the sedentary nature and poor aim of your own team's.
-There is a negative correlation between effective archer positions and towers on your team. Assuredly, if there is a friendly tower that allows for your own team's air supremacy, that tower will not be available for use until everyone is dead and the shaft of every arrow is snapped.
-The instant friendly archers acquire an advantageous firing position, your team will advance past their use; this situation is purely hypothetical, as your team will never advance in the course of battle without the enemies' intentional planning of said advance.
Corollary: If you yourself are an archer, arrowshops will be a week's walk and supplies only allow for a two-day travel; King Arthur is in favor of slash and burn tactics, trees have been extinct for twenty years, fletching your own arrows is not possible.

The System of Balance
Autobalance, it doesn't. Refer to The Law of Team Imbalance

The Endless Build Phase
An extended build time, in a representative sample of the human population, produces the following effects for allied players.
-As build time increases, so too does the number of knights idling on unfinished towers, typically on adjacent blocks to the few intelligent builders screaming at them; this principle makes the assumption your team is building towers, as opposed to decorative staircases for the enemy team to carry your flag over.
-As the build time increases, so too does the number of identical workshops within the same immediate area, specifically this effect prevails with masonry and lantern workshops that possess negligible combat benefits.
-The shorter the remaining time for dedicated builders to require the last remaining supply bonus during the build phase, the taller the tower next to the tent; this effect, with fifteen seconds left, inevitably materializes Satan's tower from ground-sky level that will not benefit any players (excluding those fighting you).

Thank Krishna, They're Autistic
Proof of Krishna's mercy, the enemy is autistic, while your own team is comprised of players possessing borderline IQ.

Corollary: The enemy is comprised of autistic savants, humans of exceptional reaction time and focus. Extremely skilled players, this principle is compounded by The Law of Team Imbalance.

 

Universal Ego Complexity Law
Related to the class imbalance law. No matter how terrible you are at playing any given class, all allied players will be worse at said respective class.

Unfortunate Descent
All enemy bomb jumpers will land nearby all previously useful friendly shops providing access to an unlimited supply of bombs.
Corollary: If no shops are available, there will be 3-5 friendly builders lined up and incapable of aiming their hammers. The bomb jumper will survive long enough for these builders to respawn at least once and they will not switch classes before attempting to fight him again.

2nd Law of Unfortunate Descent
If you bomb jump, you will always land between 3 enemy knights who for some reason were already play slashing at each other and will be surprised at the random +1 you give them.
Corollary: If no enemy knights are play slashing, one of them will have accidentally lit a bomb just as you took off and their panicked attempt to dispose the bomb safe from their own buildings will cause it to explode in the immediate vicinity of your face.

Rebalancement Automation
Whenever you join any server ever, the teams will be imbalanced. Someone will be switched teams making them even moments before a new player arrives. The player who was forced to switch will ragequit making the teams unbalanced again. This will perpetuate until all players have ragequitted and you are forced to press 3 or hold Q and find the even sadder foreveralone emote.

 

The hello law

If you quickly stop to say hi, you will die

 

The Griefer Law
If an mediocre admin is on a server when a griefer griefs, the griefer will be frozen.

Corollary
The griefer will be frozen for about ten minutes while the admin asks the griefer why they griefed/did they grief, during which time your brilliant teammates choose to spend their time teabagging or cussing at said griefer instead of helping in the front. Magically, the enemy team advances across half the damn map. Then your team gets fucked over and everyone wonders why.

 

The Law of Perpetual IQ Burn:
If in the event you attempt to teach your advanced ways to your ground-level door building team while they are building pyramids and base tunnels, they will first respond with an intelligent response for their behavior. When you make a second attempt to show them the err of their ways, their response will become increasingly unintelligible in direct correlation to what they happen to be building. If one makes a 3rd attempt to tutor the ungifted, that builder will either aid the enemy, or grief your towers. See "The Griefer Law"


Corollary:
While your towers collapse at the hands of your own team, all fingers will be pointed at you for being a complainer. If you attempt to argue this, you will find yourself muted and/or votekicked, in which event all lost IQ points will be redistributed.

 

Speed is inversely proportional to weight.
v=1/w
inference => If a bomb jumping knight, with a mass of god knows what, hits a stationary archer holding onto a tree branch, the knight will die.

 

Scoreboard Glitch Law
If you are having a good game, and wish to see your kill death ratio, it will be glitched

Corollary
When you are having a bad game, and wish for it to be reset, it will not.

 

The Law of being a Guard

If you die in KAG as a Guard, players will steal your corpse and use :) while violating it atop a castle. Occasionally someone will and dig you a two wide one deep grave in dirt, where an enemy comes to violate it anyway.

The law of authority.

Even if your decision is completely legitimate, well thought out and executed in a considerate manner people will still bitch and moan at you for the next 15 minutes even though they weren't involved in the issue. They tend to threaten to report you and then their dicks shrivel and fall off. They are never seen again.

The law of Dwarf Sarkalest.

Why the fuck is he not banned?

The law of Archers.

If an enemy arrow so much as makes wind blow gently past an archer they will rush to the nearest quarters before returning to the top of their tower to camp for 40 minutes. I hate archers.

The law of asskissers.

If you have a large cock, are respected in the community or are a woman people will invariably try to suck your proverbial penis in the effort of channeling your awesomeness in the hopes that it validates their existence. As a bonus, women in gaming will be threatened with sexual assault while viciously overweight neckbeards question why she didn't want them so bad. I mean whats a little bad touch between total strangers after all?

As a bonus

The law of dealing with Customer Support.

They are always shit at their job and don't know consumer law so you literally have to e-mail them a copy of the Sale of Goods and supply of Services Act, 1980 with highlighted sections explained like they are five years old before they finally give you a fucking refund for the Motherboard that arrived Defective and blew your processor apart.

Its been a bad week.

 

^This.

Not just in KAG, but anywhere that I have a presence at on the internet, I have to go through this.

 

The law of K/D ratio's
If you are playing well and check your K/D you will begin to play exponentially worse in strong correlation to the number of times you view the scoreboard.
Corollary
The more desperate you are to do better, the worse you will do.

 

Surprised this hasn't been posted yet.
The law of Necrophilia
Whenever you die, the player closest to you will instantly grab your corpse and shove their **** up your ***** regardless of the situation.

 

The law of necrophilia is directly proportional to the coolness of the person who was killed.

 

The law of catapults
Someone's going to steal it , even if you're ej.

 

The 0 Spawn Law

When it's 0 spawn and archer opens the door to shoot and a bomb comes flying on the base and then the other team yell +4 and you think silly archers