Undead Assault. (Story)

Spoiler: intro

First off, I would like to say thank you to all my friends who waited for my return, I've been playing Kag on a friends account (Because he's premium,) But now I'm back to write once more, enjoy this, it's a hype piece for the upcoming Zombie update

The smell of death hung heavy in the air, the survivors packed together instinctively, Jonathan the knight lashed out at any movement he saw and Daniel was constructing walls to halt their progress.
It seemed as if the end had finally came for the rag tag group, they had held out against the relentless assault for days on end, hundreds had fallen but it meant little when they got back up and continued to destroy, I stood, bow in hand, firing relentlessly at the body's crawling towards what was once a proud keep, we could here another group fighting on the other side of the castle, but we did not have the time to assist them. Suddenly the rotting hand of one of the undead grabbed hold of the turret we were perched upon, and for a second my mind filled with those we had lost, suddenly a hammer came crashing down onto the rotting fingers, Daniel looked up wearily, heaving under the weight of the mighty war hammer he carried. we had been cornered on that turret for days, and my stock of arrows were nearly completely depleted, my fingers ached from the drawstring on my bow.
We knew we couldn't keep this up forever, we were hungry, tired and wounded, and the zombie forces had decimated our ranks. Suddenly an explosion rocked our perch, as I looked down I saw smoke rising from where our bomb workshop had once been, it rose in a long plume of smoke.
Looking around I saw our one hope, a large group of skeletons had stacked upon one another, seeing our only opportunity, I gave the order. we sprinted down the tower of bones using their rib-cages as ladders, when we reached the bottom, Jonathan smashed into the tower with his shoulder, a shower of bones scattered everywhere. We ran to join the other group.

Do you guys want some more of my awesome Bardness? same deal as last time, like this post, and I'll add more.

 

So your still a likewhore huh?
spotted a spelling error.

 

If you fix up all of your grammatical errors and maybe paraphrase everything (organize it.) better, perhaps I will like it.

Besides that, it seems decent.

 

+1 Man, key to any story is to make sure you can read it fluently, otherwise it's a rant that we don't know when to stop reading to get the point across. Also helps with the atmosphere when there's a pause.

Fix it up, and ill gladly keep reading! ;)

 

This was the worst erotica I've ever read.

 

***LIK DIS IF U CRY EVERTIM***

That's all I rendered after reading the last bit.

 

Sorry bout the workshop mate, sometimes I press F instead of E, it was an accident I swear.

 

So many commas... O.o

I used to enjoy your literary style but honestly this piece shed some light upon your character that has repulsed me as a reader. First, the piece needed some major editing and revision before it would be presentable enough for your readers. The fact that you did not edit it or state you would edit it in the future shows a degradation in quality with comparison to your earlier works. Secondly the demand for "likes" was unnecessary and immediately turned me off as a reader. People will like your posts if your work deserved such a reward. It is not the readers obligation to satisfy an author's desire for attention. It is the author's duty to provide work that is deserving of a reader's attention. It would be understandable if you were asking for donations under the conditions you were a "starving author" or you make your livelihood off of such an endeavor but I can conclude with confidence that you are not living under such conditions.

 

You know what you need, adjectives.

 

Man, you just don't get the artistic struggle.

This is a crude thing. It feels a lot more like a draft than a complete story; while the idea behind writing is to weave a story for the readers-and more importantly, in my opinion, for yourself--, leaving space for imagination to fill is a good thing. Details here vary between sparse and too much, often in jarring clusters. That's another very important thing; fluidity and consistency in how these events are conveyed. While the reader cannot truly feel the joy, the laments of the characters described therein, emotion can still be evoked, and that is exactly what you should aim for; after all, what is an experience if it can be described so simply as "reading a series of paragraphs"? Meaning means everything.

Your grammatical skills need work, as far as punctuation, sentence structure and pacing go; it reads like a mess at the moment, and even if it contained great wisdom or intrigue, I could not bring myself to pick the bits out from the comma rubble. The more accurately you can convey what you mean, in fewer words, the better; drawn out sentences grow tedious to read very quickly.

I can recommend some good literature for building on aforementioned subjects, if you actually care enough to improve. A terribly rare sight, and only growing closer to extinction as entertainment evolves. Alas.