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Discussion So, I Have this English Assignment Due...

Discussion in 'Groups' started by Ghozt, Mar 21, 2013.

  1. Ghozt

    Ghozt Haxor

    Messages:
    1,083
    Basically. I have a descriptive piece due tomorrow. I was just looking to see if there were any final things I could adjust and what not.

    So here it is:

    Descriptive Piece
    My eyes pry themselves open to focus on a single droplet of water wobbling on the tip of my nose. The drop precariously balances on the tip of my nose waiting for the imminent plunge to certain death. The drop dribbles off the tip of my nose falling onto the solid floor dissipating into nothing, trying to regroup with its brothers and sisters much like myself.
    My body contracts as an eerie sound whispers past me. I just want to run. Run away. Though I know I need to stay. My constantly deteriorating body tears at itself, my slight paranoia slowly escalating. My skin, now a pasty white feels as if it is about to peel off my body due to it’s staleness, who knows how long this rock coffin has been housing me for.
    “SOMEONES THERE” my brain tells me. So I command my arms to thrust my upper body up only to have my face come plunging into the ground only seconds later. My body is giving up ever so slowly waiting to finally fall silent. I throw my right glove off feeling a sharp pain course through my hand and up the length of my arm to my shoulder. I drag myself towards my bag, and with the inability to stand due to my legs lacking any response. My hand grasps for the handle of my bag but falls on the handle slouched over the edge. The bag comes thumping onto my head.
    Spreadeagled on the floor, my eyes find their final resting place, and once they close it’s like a movie is starting. Featuring me. My life, quite insignificant disappears past, much like my family. I feel peace. I feel regret. I feel no pain, only coward-ness. My last thoughts, only consisting of her.
    A strange but pleasant sensation courses though my body. Most of my body slowly gains some colour. My waist gaining some solidness to it. The sensation seems to be situated in the back of my neck and with my rejuvenated fingers I feel a cold item. Very similar to that of the many animals I have stood over. Me feeling of escape feeling ever so distant.
    The rigidness that consumed my body is now distant. I jump up feeling weight and strength for the first time in a long time. It also turned out that a glove was on my back. I bend over to grab it and its leathery skin only to be rocked to the ground as my weathered cave shakes in a subtle way. With the strength and flexibility of a young tree my body sways as I gather strength before flinging myself through the front door. My body groans into motion tearing towards the opening.
    I come to a halt just before the door, to find myself looking at the back of an ancient beast. I jumped from my temporary house, easily finding grip on the leathery skin and rolls upon his back. His face, happiness bestowed upon it, maybe because of his new found freedom, oh how it would be nice to be free. (c) Joshua Coppo
     
    Ghozt, Mar 21, 2013
    #1
  2. FuzzyBlueBaron

    FuzzyBlueBaron Warm, Caring, Benign, Good and Kind Philanthrope Global Moderator Forum Moderator Donator Tester
    1. The Young Blood Collective - [YB]

    Messages:
    2,508
    Seeing as yours is due tomorrow, I'll have a brief look over in now.
    </br>--- merged: Mar 21, 2013 11:24 AM ---</br>
    Okay, here's a quick shot at my editor's eye (all edits have been made towards trying to refine and streamline the thoughts, emotions and general vibe of that portion of your piece. I could explain what I thought you were aiming for in each piece, but it's probably easier for you to just read over it and keep/change/ignore my edits according to whether or not I guessed right):
    Most of your piece was fine (although I confess as I edited I exchanged some words here & there), but towards to end things seemed to get a little odd, which made things more difficult. Please see the below screenie & accompanying colour-key to explain what I mean:
    [​IMG]
    Colour-key:
    • Yellow == these seemed a little odd. Maybe you could refine exactly what you're trying to convey with these lines.
    • Purple & cyan == these two sentences are working against each other. The purple says you're young, strong & flexible; but then the cyan says that your body "groans", which would seem to suggest that your body is not young/strong/flexible.
    • Purple vs. cyan and green == The purple has you going through the door, but then the cyan & green both talk as if you haven't yet gone through the door.
    • Red == There's a tensing problem: "I jumped" is past tense, but "finding" (in "easily finding grip") is in present tense. Also, using "on" (in "grip on the") and "upon" (in "rolls upon his") is distracting because the 'on' and 'upon' are too close together in the sentence--which leads to the sentence feeling annoyingly repetitive.
    Okay, that's all I have for now. Hope that's helpful and please feel free to include or ignore any/all of my changes & suggestions.</br>--- merged: Mar 21, 2013 11:32 AM ---</br>
    Bump. I edited my post at the top to offer some more explanation behind my editing processes. ;)
    </br>--- merged: Mar 21, 2013 11:33 AM ---</br>
    Also, just want to say, your opening sentence is beautiful. :heart:
     
    FuzzyBlueBaron, Mar 21, 2013
    #2
  3. MadDog

    MadDog Horde Gibber
    1. Practitioners of War Extreme Revolution - POWER

    Messages:
    32
    Not bad :) some of the sentences didnt make that much sense but Fuzzy outlined that :)
    so in-turn probs 100x better than my pieces ;)
     
    MadDog, Mar 21, 2013
    #3
  4. FuzzyBlueBaron

    FuzzyBlueBaron Warm, Caring, Benign, Good and Kind Philanthrope Global Moderator Forum Moderator Donator Tester
    1. The Young Blood Collective - [YB]

    Messages:
    2,508
    Yo, MadDog, apologies for not getting to your one today. When is your piece due?
     
    FuzzyBlueBaron, Mar 21, 2013
    #4
  5. Reudh

    Reudh Haxor Global Moderator Forum Moderator Tester
    1. Practitioners of War Extreme Revolution - POWER
    2. The Writer's Apprenticeship - Write your stories and have them critiqued!

    Messages:
    813
    Now I have time, I'll do maddog's in his thread. Also, wanted to add; given Fuzzy's covered it pretty much 100%, the only thing I'll add is that rather than 'groaned', 'thundered' might be a better one. It gives a sense of strength while moving quickly, a burst of movement or strength.
    "The bull thundered straight toward me."
     
    Reudh, Mar 21, 2013
    #5