Vaine's thread

Yoho laddies, here b' Vaine's thread. I mainly like to write horror, thriller, fantasy, and action.

The Mancer, Chapter 1, bloody entry

Spoiler: The Mancer Chapter 1

Crimson blood trickled down the walls of the abandoned shack. Like water, dripping from an icicle, it created a small puddle on the ground. The banshee-like screams that followed seemed to shatter the earth's crust. However, there was no one around to hear them, no one around to save her.
Her name was Kira Oshinawa. A pupil of New Tokyo high school, one of the most renowned in the whole of the planet, Terra. She was seventeen years old, good-looking, popular, lots of friends; everything a girl her age could wish for. She had only just sat her exams, going out with a few of her friends to a celebration party on the outskirts of town. The dress she wore was skimpy, and short; in all, it made her look like an escort, but she was young, experiencing all these new emotions, but not for long. Not at all...
She and her friends exited the party, fully intoxicated, not thinking about anything. Not before long, Kira had lost the group, she was wondering around in the moon-lit darkness, all alone, by herself. She wandered herself down the road, through the hay-fields, next to an old-2000's looking house. The wood chipped, the pale colouring of the house made it appear dull, and pre-occupied by the hay fields ahead of it. She studied her surroundings, an old, brown shack, probably for keeping farming tools, and a horses, digging-in to some of the hay left in the night.
'Hello?' she knocked on the door repeatedly, waiting for an answer. No one came, the house gave no sign of life. Not at this time in the morning.
The only sound was the faint hoot of a barn owl, nestling it's young in the dark night, feeding it regurgitated worms and mice. Kira banged on the door even louder, creating a large 'thump' with every strike at the door., she was beginning to feel fear. Fear of loneliness in this horror-like setting.
What happened next was unexpected. Kira was swooped of her feet, as if flying, and everything seemed to pause for a moment. She couldn't tell if this was the mix of alcohol and ecstasy coursing through her veins, or she was being attacked. It was both.
Her body, limp with surprise, crashed through the window of the old-shack, shattering it into millions of pieces, jagging into her skin. She wailed 'HELP ME!'. She could see nothing, no one. Her attacker dived through the window, growling through his hood. Her eyes opened wide, as the black lightning stabbed into her abdomen, slicing through her organs, rendering them a burden to her body, and split her spinal cord. She screamed louder and louder. She knew what was happening.
She had been attacked by a Mancer.

 

I like it, it seems like an original idea, and the description is vivid, so I have just a few points to make as constructive criticism:

• Firstly, perhaps use longer, more complex sentence structures? It will help the writing flow and lessen any feelings of it being slightly disjointed and stuttering.
• Secondly, while the description of the scenery and events is vivid, which is something I love and is often missing from longer fantasy stories, what with the new world to introduce, there is very little description of emotion here. Bar the penultimate paragraph, there is little to show the feelings of the character, or the impact of the surroundings on a person, which I think would add a lot of depth to the chapter. Perhaps this is due to it being an introduction, and we have no need to feel a connection with this character, but I think it would make her more lifelike and thus make the attack even more of a shock.

Other than that, excellent writing. I look forward to the next installments.

 

The point about building character structure.

This character will not be recurring, meaning I did not want the reader to get interested in the character.

 

I thought as much, although I stand by my point about describing the emotional impact of the surroundings. It might sound strange, but I would suggest adding description as if you were stood in your setting, and you were writing about how you feel there. It might add another dimension to the writing.