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SBC's Thread

Discussion in 'Groups' started by Superblackcat, May 16, 2013.

  1. Superblackcat

    Superblackcat baideist baide Staff Alumni Tester

    Messages:
    462
    Different, but similar.
    Complicated, but simple.
    Cursed.

    The Priest, seeking a life, away from the cruciform.
    His mentor, crucified by electricity,
    Living through a life of endless pain,
    Waking up to death, dying to life;
    The curse of immortality.

    The Colonel, love dripping with evil,
    The betrayal through battles,
    His savior, His worst enemy, the same person.
    The double edged sword, the one he vows to break
    The curse of love

    The Poet, seeking the finish,
    Reaper of the poem.
    His pen flowing with the blood of the dead
    Poems written by sacrifice.
    The curse of knowledge.

    The Father, seeking reversal.
    His blood and flesh, sent back through time,
    The sacrifice, the attention.
    His journey, for his own.
    The curse of youth.

    The Detective, seeking for truth.
    The world of the correct fault,
    Where accidents are planned,
    And Truth is destroyed.
    The curse of curiosity.

    The Consul, seeking for renewal,
    The beauty of barbarians, A world stuck in place.
    Humans destroying, Savages evolving.
    The destruction, of rebirth.
    The curse of justice.

    A road of infinity,
    To the blades of God.
    Where time flows backwards, and the future is in the past.
    The place where the price of one,
    Is the death of all.


    Just throwing that out there...
    Based on "Hyperion" (the book)
     
  2. Ooh, this is pretty awesome. I'll critique it later, when I've got my laptop charging. (30 min)
     
  3. FuzzyBlueBaron

    FuzzyBlueBaron Warm, Caring, Benign, Good and Kind Philanthrope Global Moderator Forum Moderator Donator Tester
    1. The Young Blood Collective - [YB]

    Messages:
    2,508
    I'm a busy busy person atm, so no critique from me I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that I really like what you've got here. Really really like. :)
     
  4. Poems aren't really my strong suit, but I have to say that this is brilliant. Your spelling needs a little work, on the word 'Detective'.

    The way I see it is that the theme is 'knowledge is a curse', and it provides a very nice way of looking at otherwise mundane people and making them interesting. I think you've done really well with this one.
     
  5. Superblackcat

    Superblackcat baideist baide Staff Alumni Tester

    Messages:
    462
    I'd give a lot of credit to the book. But I should change that spelling, meh.
     
  6. shadewolf10

    shadewolf10 Shopkeep Stealer

    Messages:
    34
    Reudh had the same thoughts of me but I'm also not very good at critiquing either or poems.
     
  7. Superblackcat

    Superblackcat baideist baide Staff Alumni Tester

    Messages:
    462
    Wish this was more active :P
     
  8. SMASH1413

    SMASH1413 Bison Rider

    Messages:
    225
    Same I want some people to critique my story and this is awesome btw!
     
  9. Superblackcat

    Superblackcat baideist baide Staff Alumni Tester

    Messages:
    462
    Boo:

    I’m Not Stupid

    You’re probably wondering why you are reading this. I am sure as hell, wondering why I am writing this. But the therapist said it would be ‘good for my mental health’. I don’t think my ‘mental health’ is bad; in fact, I think I’m a perfectly fine, well-functioning part of society. I have my faults and hypocrisies, like any other individual of society. Well, that’s my opinion. According to my therapist, I am ‘mentally unstable’ and ‘not a well-functioning part of society’. He never says that to my face, but I overheard him saying that to my Mother and Father.

    Why am I here? I’ve gotten into too many fights. I don’t think it’s my fault. They always start it, and… I always finish it. I’m built like a football player, and I’m pretty strong. I’m a model citizen and work, get paid, all the regular stuff. Just, people nowadays seems to find it impossible to understand that you have to give someone their own space, and to not insult one another.

    Lemme give you an example. This was my fourth or fifth fight, one of my earlier ones. I had just finished work, and stopped by a bar. I was just sitting there, relaxing, minding my own business, when suddenly two girls decided it was time to get up and mock someone, or maybe they thought it would be easy to get free drinks off me, or something. So they walk up to me, and ask they can sit down; it was easy to tell their intention by just glancing at their faces. They were both giggling, and laughing about some inside joke or something. But they were both pretty cute, so I said sure. However, they soon started asking all these questions about me. Not even normal ones like what you’d expect, ‘How do you think the weather is?’ But private ones, like ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’, or ‘Do you play sports?’. Now I’m pretty sure they were trying to well, hurt me in some way. Not physically, of course, but on a mental or emotional level. I saw a video about this type of bullying in fifth grade, how girls would spread rumors, and make you feel like dirt. The video also included how to deal with it. I guess that part was pretty dumb, it was mostly ‘Call a teacher’, or ‘Tell them to stop’. Anyways, since no teachers were around, obviously, I decided to tell them to stop. I might’ve said it a bit harsh, or something, but I don’t really remember. After, I just walked out of the bar. You’re probably now thinking something about how horrible these people are nowadays. Well, I’m a courteous man, or at least I try to be. They tried to pull one right over me, and I decided it was fine to just leave. At some point, I thought I should go back and stop them, just so they won’t do that to anyone else, but by then I was far from the bar, and had no intention of turning back.

    Two days later, I’m sitting in the same bar, just relaxing like always, when those two girls enter again, with two older men. I was just about to finish my drink and get out, when the two older men directly approach me and ask me to apologize to the girls. You gotta be kidding me, they were the ones that insulted me, pretending to be all friendly when they had some ulterior motive. I got pissed pretty fast, and well, it just broke out to be a fight, I don’t remember how it started, I just remembered slamming my fist into both of them, and then finding that they were both on the ground. I had to take them to the hospital. My father shushed it up, he’s a pretty influential man, but I would’ve been fine going to court. I’m sure I could’ve convinced everyone that they started it. I guess my father just didn’t want things to become too ‘problematic’. He’s always afraid of things getting complicated. I guess I would too, if I was him. He does own a big business, and he’s always afraid that things would go badly, that the stocks would drop, or something along the lines.

    This happened to me pretty often, lots of people come up to me and pretend I’m stupid. It might be because they think that just because I’m large, that I can’t think well, or maybe I just can see through people better. I prefer to think it’s the latter, but I’m not really sure. I feel like other people don’t get the same treatment as I do. No one gets into as many fights as I do, and even if they do get into a fight, it’s not always the other person’s fault like it is for me.

    My father sent me to a therapist after the twentieth-something fight. I guess he didn’t want things to become complicated, wanted me to find a better way to deal with insults. Apparently, writing everything down, and remembering what happened is supposedly helpful in me avoiding fights in the future. I’m not sure about all this, I don’t see how this will help any, because it’s never my fault anyways. But hey, I’m a nice guy, I’ll do what he asks, it’s all fine.