A yazzihamper, sauce, is basically a dislikable/obnoxious person. ;) On of my more favourite words in the English language. :P
Of course it's my forum, GT! All of you, even Shad, are simply here on my good graces. :p (Yes of course it's everyone's forum, but 'everyone' doesn't include horrible trolls and every snarge that happens to wander past--something I was highlighting for M. t).
Heh. Less angry and more me being annoyed at willful jerkishness and/or stupidity.
I generally don't mind people doing/saying foolish things, but when they display a tendency to do it *repeatedly* I find myself looking for a way to clock them 'round the back of the head and hopefully bring them to their senses.
You just want some general feedback? Or are you looking for more specific, editorial stuff? 'Cos I'm not really in a space to do that latter atm.
Generally speaking though:
-The flow of the story looks good (baring one section, which I'll PM you about);
-Seems like you've left room for character development, which is good (just make sure you *do* that);
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-Given the story format you've chosen (1st person-narration) take care to make sure you're writing with an active voice (e.g. try "beings creeping up on me" instead of "beings that might be creeping up on me");
-You seem undecided as to whether you're telling the story in Past or Present tense. Pick one and stick to it (as chopping & changing mid chapter is confusing);
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-Take *extra care* that the subject(s) and verb(s) in your sentences agree (i.e. are either all _plural_ or all _singular_. Never a mix of the two.) e.g. "I keep my gain hidden" rather than "I keep my gains hidden" --> the first is incorrect because the character has collected multiple items (multiple sticks AND multiple rocks).
It looks to be a good story. I'll PM you some proof-reading tips. ;)
Thanks a lot for some feedback, I also noticed some tense issues it's been one of the main thongs I have been trying to get right
With character development I didn't really want to start with
My name is Connor I am one seventy talle medium build brown hair etc etc I just think people commonly do that while writing and it sounds lazy, I will and try and do everything you Sid in part three. (my iPod)
Yeah, don't worry about rushing the introduction of the characters; I find it's generally better to feed out little bits over time rather than in one big lump. Just keep it in mind as you write.
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