Beaster's thread

Due to the fact that I'm terrible with names and this is post will only show the slightest snippet of an on-going peronal project of mine, I'm simply naming it Beaster's thread.

I may or may not include other content unrelated to my main project in this thread as well. This little project began as something small and light-hearted that I'd use to get my creative juices flowing. I'd write a sentence or so in between gaming/study sessions in google docs and I'm hoping for it to accumulate over time.

So; to all fellow TWA members out there, feel free to eat me alive. I give you all the first two paragraphs of my story which is yet to receive a name. Admittedly, not a whole lot happens yet. I wanted to take the time to paint the scene.

Spoiler: Optional: Inspiration behind the story; thus far

Whilst not clear as of yet; the story will be heavily inspired by a game called 'Summon Night Swordcraft Story.' That's not to say it'll be a recount, or even visibly similar. Just that the story and adventure this game brought me will help to keep me going; slowly but surely.

The shack in the near desolate beach should be reminiscent of a little bay-side village in Malaysia, Cherating. For those of you that need visual aids; this is the exact shack that I've based these paragraphs on (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zR7-okVas5Q/SVhdqUMYbnI/AAAAAAAAAQc/OtPRGjP0cGo/s1600/cherating2.JPG). Just ignore the people, cars and houses in the background (I also realise that the roof's not exactly thatched :p). That shack was actually a small restaurant. It lacked refrigeration and doesn't look like much but the food was damn good. And cheap. As the story progresses (although, I've hinted towards it already) the shack turns out to be a workshop where weapons are made.

Anyway, that's enough boring information for those of you who decided to read the spoiler. I'll add more detail to the inspiration as the plot progresses.

 

"I can just about see the shack in my mind's eye without the image to aid me, the paragraphs suffer from fragmented sentences. This detracts from what would be quite a powerful introduction to a story."

Aye, I'll be the first to admit that my sentences can (and often, will) suffer from fragmentation. I'm not sure whether this happens to everyone but I'll write something and will understand it perfectly. Then I'll look at it in a week or so and wonder why I never picked up on that particular mistake. 'Tis why I like to get others to proof-read my work nowadays.

"This is fragmented; it provides two ideas but does not link them. The reader can usually make the jump and link them themselves, but it breaks the flow of an otherwise good few sentences."

This is actually one of the main sentences that I found hard to put together. Also, I must admit, I didn't like the word "choreography," in there too much. I kept it there because it was the easiest word to fit in, I suppose. It's grown on me a little but I may or may not end up replacing it.

"Plus, if you're writing this for class, it helps extend the word count. "

Funny that, I'm not writing this for class. Although, knowing my laziness, the second I'm in a position where I can use it; I probably will. So far, I've put more effort into this story than any other assignment.

"Again, this is very well written. I would say that the sentences are a tad uncomfortable with the amount of commas and semicolons."

I was beginning to feel as if I was using 'dem semi-colons and commas a bit too much. Although, I love writing when I can show the reader exactly how it sounded in my head. When readin'; I'm constantly taking short breaks mid-sentence. I shall cut down on that as time goes by.

"Your tenses are strange in this paragraph. "wasn't" is previous tense. "would" is future tense. "has" is present tense."

This more or less comes down to a lack of proof-reading/triple-checking on my behalf. I was more interested in getting the general idea into this thread. Should probably start watching for that from now on.

"I'm not sure what the characters are, or who they are. They are plopped almost directly into the story after a lengthy and beautiful introduction, and frankly, I do not mean to be rude here, but they feel tacked onto the paragraph. Consider extending the paragraph with a little bit more information about the shack or surrounds, and move Saiko and Pahali's introduction into the next paragraph."

In all honesty, I thought I was going overboard with the imagery. I was planning on a change if setting pretty soon. Looking back on things, I better stay at the beach for a while. I was a little hasty with the rate of progression. I haven't even touched on the "main," part/s of the story yet :3

I'm glad I sent this in rather early. If there's any TWA members out there that think Reudh wasn't thorough enough, I'd love to hear from you all. Thanks for the feedback, Reudh! 'Twas helpful.

​

 

"Great work, Beaster! As Reudh said, some of those sentances are just beautiful. :)"

Thanks Fuzzy, I really appreciate it :)

"One thing I would add to Reudh's comments is to share this article on semicolon"

Ahhh thanks for that. As I said above somewhere, I really do love using punctuation where possible. I feel as if I'm showing the reader exactly how I would've told the story if we were to meet face-to-face. I'm not going to lie here...I'm no expert on punctuation. I'll partly blame that on the teachers that I had in primary school (or the education system in general, I suppose) and myself for not researching as much as I should. Oh well I'm more than willing to try and break my habit of excessive punctuation.

"I'm not trying to take a knock at you, and I know that when one is writing creatively grammar is a lot more, er, flexible; but I have found over the years that consciously deciding to ignore a specific rule is generally preferable to failing to observe it via ignorance."

Haha, 'tis cool. I know you're not taking a knock at me. Heck, I know both you and Reudh (and Tiruin, for that matter) enough that even if you were taking a knock at me I wouldn't take it to heart.

"I have always found that my writing is of better quality when I pay attention to grammar and usage; so this is me passing the experience on. ;)"

Thanks for the advice :D

"Keep it up! I'll have to sit down some time this week and create my own thread. There's been some, ah, developments on the publisher front, so I'll fill you in on that stuff then. :)"

I will, and I look forward to seeing your thread. Good luck on the publisher front and thanks for the critique. :D

 

Nice description, very poetic :)