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Working on this piece

Discussion in 'Groups' started by fredmay20, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. There once was a land, where a knight lived. He was alone in a castle, lonely, nobody to enjoy his time with. He was like this for quite some time. One day, he came to him senses thinking to himself, I am going to find a partner and spend the rest of my days with the accompaniment of another person, and so his journey began. Now, you might think that this is like every other prince in search of a princess book, but this one is quite different, for this prince, was a mouse. Now as a mouse, certain things that would be easy for a human, are much harder for a mouse. From finding food, to a place to sleep, everything was a challenge. One of the problems that posed to this very special mouse on this particular day, was finding food.

    grrrbbb…. Him slightly plump stomach rumbled,”hmmmm he thought to himself, I thick wedge of cheese and a glass of raspberry cordial would do mu just right!” Now as as you know a mouse’s voice is distinct from its very highly pitched squeaks it makes when it talks, what you do not know, was that he was standing right on top of a mole colony. Now moles, were in general very nice and hospitable creatures. As it happened to be, this mole colony was about to eat when they heard this very distinct squeak, and as nice as they were, they decided to invite this mouse to lunch. “hurr-hum, gurday sir, moi colony would like to invite you to lunch with us” he said in his deep bass voice. “yes, I would like that very much!” said the prince. So the prince traveled down the deep windy tunnels to lunch with the moles.

    Deep deep down in the caverns, lay a grand feast! with drinks of cider, ginger ale, cordials and many more things! Foods of scones and pies and dishes of all the sorts! The prince was so delighted that he could not help but let out a squeak of delight! As they all sat down there was a clang of a bell, as the great for-mole said grace for the food. Hours later of stuffing to pies, they all sat down by the great furnace in there main room. Suddenly there was a great uproar from the other room, and in the same moment the doors flew open and there was a sudden surge of dibbuns from the other room.(dibbuns are known as the little ones) they were all shouting one thing, Dab dab dab! they shouted. For the next fifteen minutes they chased the dibbuns all around the room to get them all situated for bedtime. The prince asked one of the dibbuns, a little mole, and asked him what dab ment. The little mole gaped in surprise that he did not know what it meant, he then promptly replied dibbuns against bedtime.
  2. While this is a good story, sorta reminding me of Mrs Frisby and the Rats of N.I.M.H, you're WAY overusing commas. There's misspellings, too - "ment" should be meant.

    Your paragraphs are very long, it tends to cause all the sentences to run together, making it difficult to read.
    First of all, you should start a new line every time new dialogue occurs, and also when dialogue changes from one character to another. Here's an example.

    As you can see, it's just been a little tidied up. This is what I did.

    • Tidied up punctuation, spelling and grammatical errors.
    • Removed some redundancy, and replaced some words (where the mole once had a very bassy voice, it now has a baritone voice, which means the same thing but says so in less syllables.)
    • Started new lines whenever dialogue occurred, and also (as you may notice) where a new plot point started.
    • Edited some sentences so that they were not fragmented, and joined others.
    Now to the good parts.

    I really like what you've got here. If you polish this up, it looks like a story that could be really good fun to read. The writing itself absolutely flows with whimsy and charm, feeling like a mix of the aforementioned Mrs Frisby and the Rats of N.I.M.H and The Folk of the Faraway Tree.
    Keep up the good work.
  3. Lol, you got inspired by Brian Jacques?
  4. FuzzyBlueBaron

    FuzzyBlueBaron Warm, Caring, Benign, Good and Kind Philanthrope Global Moderator Forum Moderator Donator Tester
    1. The Young Blood Collective - [YB]

    Hey, Jacques is responsible for much enjoyment & funtimes over the years. Dun knock it! >_>
  5. Naw, just asking if this is some sort of Redwall fanfiction. Capitalize "Dibbuns" and they shout D.A.B.
  6. FuzzyBlueBaron

    FuzzyBlueBaron Warm, Caring, Benign, Good and Kind Philanthrope Global Moderator Forum Moderator Donator Tester
    1. The Young Blood Collective - [YB]

    Ah, fair enough. In that case, I forgive you.